Out of Nowhere We Cried
It didn’t start as a rough day. She and I had played together. We had cooked play cookies, served fake coffee and even went over a lot of letters. We were just doing our thing and having a good time. Not long after our imaginary restaurant closed something happened that took my mom RPM’s from 0 to about 10,000. I didn’t mean it to and I was ashamed that it had but once there it takes so long to get down. This flair was rooted in an issue I was harboring but it hit in a way that affected everyone around me.
Out of nowhere, things can hit us that we don’t realize will trigger things. We can be carrying hurts, frustration, offense or just bitterness and one thing leads to another that leads us to fly off the hinges at something that should really be nothing.
5 minutes after it hit me I was lit. I slammed papers on the table, Eleanor dropped a chair on my foot, I tripped over toys and then (I’m ashamed to admit) I threw them in the toy bin direction, I huffed and I puffed….and all in the sight of my sweet, innocent 2-year-old child. I heard her behind me and she started to whimper. I turned and I was so heartbroken. Hot tears were streaming down my face and she instantly knew something was wrong. I picked her up and she studied me for a minute. She wiped the tears hitting the neck of my shirt and she softly laid her head on my shoulder and started to cry with me.
The lights were off, we were half ready to head into town, and there we were, standing in the kitchen crying together. Emotions had hit an all-time high for that day and we both let it overflow into tears. And we just stood there and cried.
We Cry, We Heal, We Pray
I apologized to her deeply and felt so awful. I knew then I needed to be more controlled. How could I do that? How could I let her see that? Did this make me a bad mother? I had hurt her feelings, I had probably scared her, and all because I had a moment. Ugh. I was feeling like I needed a time out after that display. I was disappointed in myself. I was hurt for my daughter. I was determined to do better.
My frustration cannot be hers. My frustrations should not even be mine. Jesus went to the cross not only to forgive our sins but so that we would forgive others. He went so that we could know grace. He went so that we could know freedom. That moment did not make me a bad mom, but it did make me realize I was carrying things that God was asking me to let go of. I was harboring a frustration that was affecting my ability to serve this person in love.
After our cry together, we finished getting ready, went to town and enjoyed lunch with Grammy and coffee from our favorite spot. What had happened didn’t leave me though, it still hasn’t fully left me. God has been using it to show me that His grace is like a balm that goes on and helps us to heal. He doesn’t want His children walking in pain or bearing old wounds. He wants us free and whole. How does that happen? Some tears, lots of prayers and big hugs from heaven.
Moving Forward Better
I discovered a book, thanks to a recommendation from a friend, called, “21 Seconds to Change Your World.“ It is written by Dr. Mark Rutland, who walks the reader through The Lord’s Prayer and the 23 Psalm. He discusses how they are written and how we can use them in such powerful ways. It’s not just a prayer to pray mindlessly or a poem we love to hear children say, they are words of transformation. This book has been teaching me how to let go of transgressions and to forgive. I am learning how to overcome and how to heal.
My hugs from heaven came in the form of God inspiring this author and this book transforming the way I pray. Not everyone heals the same way but this is how God has been teaching me to move forward in a better way. Sometimes it is a sermon, sometimes it is a book, sometimes it is a bible study or counseling with a friend, however it comes the most important thing is to find healing. Don’t let the past hurts define the future. Don’t let a morning of fun turn into a morning soaked with tears all because nothing became something. God is calling us to lay those things down once and for all. Don’t pick them up, don’t harp on them and don’t keep looking at them.
Grace came so we could be free, now instead of it just being a catchy phrase for a shirt or picture what if we actually start walking in it? Freedom to be all that God has designed us to be. Freedom to walk in our identity.
Moms, this is especially true for us. We can’t carry old wounds into the future. When we do we run the risk of birthing new hurts for our children. This hurt came out that day for me and it wasn’t even Eleanor’s fault but she felt like it was. We CANNOT make them pay for things we need to allow God to heal us from. We can move forward better for their sakes. His grace is sufficient for the days when we lose it, for sure, but let’s make those days as few as possible. Let’s make today the day when healing starts.
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